Girl + World

Can you imagine what it would it be like to live two separate lives? I mean girl, one is stressful enough. Personally, I’m good off having two. The idea makes me think about two of my favorite shows on Disney growing up, Hannah Montana & That’s So Raven. Ironically, both of these shows are about girls who live two separate lives. Hannah was a national pop star who was also just a ‘normal’ teenage girl living in Malibu. Raven, also a teenage girl lived in San Fransisco, who would experience what she called ‘visions’, allowing her to see a glimpse of what was to come. I have to give it to Disney, they made living a double life look somewhat fun. The girls would go to school and hang out with friends and family, but at some point in the show you would see Hannah throw on her costume and Raven having a vision of the future. They had two different secrets, but the same problem. They didn’t want anyone to know about their “second life”. If people knew who they really were, it would change everything. Now, you may be thinking Ci… where are you going with this? Just hear me out.

This may be a childish comparison, but I have been living a double life. I wish it was between having visions or being a popstar and being a 22 year old christian girl. Unfortunately, it is between being in the world and in the Kingdom. When I refer to the kingdom, I mean walking in exactly who God has called to me be, which is as much like Christ as possible. I would say my entire life I have tried to do both. Unlike Hannah and Raven, I’ve done a terrible job hiding it. There I was, wanting to do what the world was doing (having sex, getting drunk, smoking weed, and whatever else I shouldn’t have been doing), but in the same day leading bible study and wanting people to see the God in me. I can already hear you now, “Ciera the Bible doesn’t say a thing about smoking weed”, “What’s wrong with getting drunk”. “There’s no way I can stop having sex.” Sis, trust me, I hear, see, and feel you. It is still an ongoing battle in my life. I just finally made the decision to choose spirit over flesh [Galatians 6:16-22]. I mean sis, I would smoke and instantly become paranoid. Imagine, feeling called to lead and speak to women, but sit in a room of females, high, thinking that they are talking about you (and not a good talk, the “who does she think she is” type of talk). Girl!!! that was the enemy using my insecurities against me. When I would drink, I’d make decisions that were not pleasing to God. When I had sex with who I was dating, regret and shame followed immediately after. In all of those instances it was an opportunity to walk in my purpose, but missed it because I wasn’t in the right mind to do so.

The intention of this post is not to talk about smoking weed or any other sin, and I am by no means saying that if you are doing these things that God can not use you. Please don’t take that as my message. All I’m saying is, I too am human and often have a desire to fall into the temptations of the world. It is more than just the sins, but social media, what I wear, how I act, what I feed my mind with, etc. I just want people to become aware of the chains you find yourself in because of these things. Christ died so that we would have freedom, so let’s live in it!

The result of shame and guilt is often feeling separated from God. We think the separation is on His part but in reality it us feeling as though we can’t bring our mess to Him. News flash, God knew we would sin which is why he sent His son, Jesus, to die on the cross. So there I was, thinking God was disappointed in me and didn’t want anything to do with me. So, I would distance myself. I then realized, in order to be disappointed you would have to be unsure of something (someone) and it (they) not meet your expectation. An all knowing God can not be disappointed. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Meaning that his love for us is constant and never changing, no matter what we do (Thank You Jesus!).

Maybe you don’t see yourself having this “double life” issue. Maybe, you are secure in who God is and your identity in Him. Maybe, you do struggle with it and you just deny it. No matter where you see yourself, the best part of it all is that God already knew that his children would have this desire to be of the world. Through out the Bible you see scriptures and stories of God’s people wanting things that are not like Him. If you find yourself in this same predicament, you are not the first or the last to fight this battle. And sis, if I’m being 100% honest with you, the flesh in me wants to continue to do both. I am tempted to keep living this ‘double life’ and just switch when necessary. If you remember in my about me post I stated that being called comes with a cost. What I meant by that is, as a child of God there is a different path that you will be walking. Let’s be honest though, being aware of your identity (a child of God) makes you want to walk different. There is a new level of love you feel, wisdom you gain, and an understanding of placement. You become aware of the rooms you don’t need to be in and the people that might not be right for your immediate circle. That doesn’t mean you can’t love on those people or that it gives you the right to judge the people in those rooms, no no. It is just knowing that it can be a road block to the destination you are trying to reach. It would be like a recovering drunk constantly going to a bar, or hanging out with friends who always meet for drinks. It is going to be extremely hard to overcome that addiction if she does not remove herself from that temptation. There has to be decision of which you want more. The change or the comfort.

It was not until 2020 that I truly decided change. After years of trying to fit in with every one, I realized that I wanted what God had for me more than anything. So, if that means I have to cut people off, stop going to certain events, or declining a Netflix and Chill, that is the cost that I will just have to pay. It has not been easy, but it has been life changing. I have discovered that the power of the Holy Spirit truly lives inside of me; and I have the strength to let go of things and people I never thought I could. This is a journey not a destination, every day I have to fight my flesh and make decisions. Now, I also don’t want to give the impression that choosing Christ means you have to live some boring life. This is the best decision I have ever made. Choosing Christ means I choose love, joy, peace, and the best part of it all, eternal life. The intentions of the enemy is to make all of this earthly stuff look promising and that if you aren’t a part of it you are missing out. I’ll be the first to tell you that all the world gives is temporary. Everything that you are longing for, can be found in Christ.

Sister, the main thing I want you to know is that God loves you, immensely. Baggage and all, he has chosen you to fulfill His purpose. I hope that you are encouraged today to seek Him and all that he wants to show you. Allow God to search your heart, and ask Him to remove any desire that is not like Him. Find the God in you and share him with the world.

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.”

John 15:18-19

“Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.”

1 John 2:15

“Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12:2